Don’t let the phone fall off the bed: or data is the new aphrodisiac

Nerve presents data from the Spreadsheets app to show which states enjoy the longest or shortest sex.

Nerve presents data from the Spreadsheets app to show which states enjoy the longest or shortest sex.

(Originally published on Medium.)

S: Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, Oh..

H: Shit.

S: What?

H: The phone fell off the bed.

S: Baby, can’t we just do it without the phone for a change?

H: No.

S: I was just about to finish.

H: Sorry but we were going to break our record.

S: I love when you talk dirty.

H: (looking down). It’s gone.

S: Oh, so it is.

H: I wanted that record. (shows her the phone he just retrieved from under the bed) Look at this, we exceeded four minutes. Twice the state average.

S: I think you’re starting to get obsessed with this app.

H: And check out our thrusts per minute. We were going hard and lasting long. I always wondered if there was an inverse correlation. Ha, the audio, too. That was you, by the way. Noisy girl.

S: Will you please throw that FUCKING thing out. No pun intended.

H: I can’t.

S: Why not.

H: I need it. I don’t think I can get excited without it anymore.

S: Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

(As long as the Spreadsheets app is on the bed, picking up motion, it measures how long you last, thrusts per minute, audio levels, and yields data that can reveal which states have the fastest sex.  I’m serious. You can’t think this stuff up.)